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My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."