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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks