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If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.