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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
It is totAlly unnecessary to put a PM after 23:00.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
Dora the explorer.... Y U NO GET GPS?
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".