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I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.