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Easy baked macaroni and cheese recipe: Boil macaroni in water.... follow the rest of the instructions on box. TADA!
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.