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I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
Born free. Now, I’m expensive.
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness