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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
Go ahead caller 9!!
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
Being gay is fine. Being lesbian is fine. Being straight is fine. But do you know what’s not fine? Wearing crocs. That is NOT okay
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.