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Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?
The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.
"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.