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Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.