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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
A synonym is a word you use when you can`t remember how to spell the other word.
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Don`t know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. Problem solved
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?