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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.