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real eyes realize real lies
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
You`re the type of person who didn`t rewind the Blockbuster VHS...
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....