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If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
Not to cause a panic but i`m starting to think we`re running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, Iām going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.