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Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
I still dunno why they say cats have 9 lives. My cat only eats & sleeps all day long. It has no life at all!
It’s only Wednesday and I’m 95% done with this week.
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist