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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
So,do people in England speaks American now that people in America speaks English?
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, scratch between my butt cheeks....I`m in public.
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.
Bad decisions make good stories.