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If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome