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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
Why is it called cliffhanger and not
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
You know you are in trouble when your mom screams your whole name.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.