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ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?