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Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.