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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
Any time someone says "have you seen that YouTube video?" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.