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I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
I`m not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
Well, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don`t finish something...it`s really not the end of the world.
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.
Like a good neighbor,I don`t really care.
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.