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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I hope this snowstorm doesn`t impact my schedule of aimlessly wasting my day online.....
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC by SIMO
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"