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is 100% sure that you are looking at my status. (:
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"