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Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..