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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn`t sound fun at all.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Is Nudeism a religion?
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally