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If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
someone took my mood ring away... dont know how i feel about it
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
I have heard of women that aren`t crazy, but I`ve also heard of Unicorns.
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
Running behind is my cardio.
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.