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Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.
You`re annoying, but honestly, I`ve been annoyed by better.