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Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
Why can’t I lose weight easily I mean I lose everything else without a problem.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."