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That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
99 Days Facebook Free? Big deal! In 1999 I went a whole year without Facebook.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?