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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 forms
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”