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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
There`s no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
May the bridges I burn light the way.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.