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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that Iām right.
Relationship Status: eating
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
I get my cardio from caffeine...
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.