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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"