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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
i only drink on days that end with y
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted