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What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
Today`s Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bullsh*t.
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.