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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.