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All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
Coffee: So I can do nothing with more energy.
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
I`ve given up on giving up.
Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you`ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)