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Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it`s ok to bite an opponent.
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.