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The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
Here’s a little bit of advice for you.. advi
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.