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I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
How many Oreos is too many?...Is it 25?...I feel like it should be more than 25
I haven`t seen any new episodes of Gilligan`s Island in awhile... I hope they`re OK.
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.