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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
Is glad Christmas is near i sure need new coloring books and crayons ..
I`ve started an elimination diet, It`s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.