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Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.