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I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.