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Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.