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Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
I don`t have any "driving the speed limit" music.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.