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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I love Alfredo sauce ... Unless you`re a dude named Alfredo.
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"