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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
Why is it called cliffhanger and not
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.