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Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
Nothing says "I`m unemployed" like wishing for snow on Facebook.
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store