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Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.