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Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
Is there another word for synonym?
Just saw the trailer for "Noah." I hear The Book is better.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.