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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
I`m working harder than an ugly stripper!!
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook