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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every Cat purchase.
Mary, mary quit contrary, watched their garden thrive. The cops found seed of a very odd weed; Now they`s doing three to five.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
I’m eating just in case I get hungry later
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I say No to drugs but they... won`t listen.