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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
I may look calm, but in my head I´ve punched you in the face 3 times already!
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.