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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
I just threw up my weekend.