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To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.
Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!
Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...