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I’m not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be boob shaped.
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.