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If you figure me out I want an explanation.
It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
Work like you don`t have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw