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I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I donβt even know what that means but now Iβm hungry.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to lifeβ¦
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Donβt be mad, Iβll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
I donβt make mistakes too often, but when I do itβs your fault.