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I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.