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I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.